Have you ever been in a position in which you feel … angry. cheated. bullied. in an extreme lost. failed. stressed. optionless. depressed. desperate. and sad?

well that’s what im facing right now.

i cant write about it. i can complain about it but  … i doubt anyone can help me at all.

sometimes unfairness is not an option. it just happens out of the blue. puts you in a crossroad. and have you deal with it with whatever strength you may have. but in the end, both ways are dead end. 

its like a never ending headache and it just gets worse.

*

-J

my glads are so yesterday.

***

moody thursday. I dont particularly like rainy days because it’s just so gloomy and sleepy and you cant do a lot of things when it rains. Its best to just stay at home and sleep, but i guess that’s not a choice since i have a day job to attend to. bahhhhhhhhh.

having a meeting later and thank gawd it’s gonnna be pizza lunch. been so long ever since i had one.

-J

i finally got my car washed after read:months of treating it like dirt.

Honestly. i couldn’t care less about it after it was devirginalized by hadibah-i-am-a-cop-so-i-rule car. Even though i have been driving around with a half naked car for months. it kinda feels very sad… but i think i’ve grown accustomed to it. not exactly used with having a naked half, but more like used to all the luck i can ever get if not at all this year.

i kid you not, all these thoughts were running in my head during that 10 minute, rm6 car wash i had at the petrol station. 

Trust me, you do not have the rights to even comment about my life unless if you’ve got your car onto flames, exploded, suffered 3 months of mental trauma, had a near death experience with a snatch theft, lost your car keys in a shopping mall, got your car hit by a police officer which you then get a summoned out of it, left your keys in your room and had to wander around streets pass midnight, and i can go on forever if you want me to.

If i tell you my heart beats 100 times faster when all of the above happened, i am not exagerating.

in fact, i think my life is shorter now due to all those things that i have been through. all those sleepless nights i had. all the whining and complaining and telling the stories again and again until i got really fed up and just wanna move on……………

sometimes.. i am very happy that 2008 is flying by so fast. I really want the year to end right here right now. i don’t mind aging  as long as i don’t ever have to go through any of that .. tragedy, disturbance, trauma.. whatever you wanna call it, ever again. i’m happy that it’s august now.. 4 more months to go and 2008 is over and done with.

the worst years in my life… 2008 have proven to be…… really disturbing, from the very start.

Just even thinking of it got me really, reallllly sad. i am not joking, not at all. sure there are good times, here and there…. but so far… none of them can ever overcome my fears of fire, carparks, keys, roundabouts, and even cars. Yes, cars! I never look at car the same way ever again. I used to admire the fearful beast, the engine roaring, the fast, the furious.

now… i am afraid of life. afraid that life is so short it can take me anytime it wanted to. it can be so fragile i could have died in that very flames of a small little neo. i am afraid of car parks. afraid of deserted areas. afraid of back-lanes. Afraid of people, most of the time. Afraid that they would harm me… i used to be someone so friendly and optimistic that i turned a paranoid overnight. I do not have faith in people anymore. I don’t believe accidents wont happen.. i don’t believe in safety… in security guards.. i simple don’t believe and open up anymore. 

I told myself.. i have to be strong, to overcome everything. To be someone people are scared of. to be someone ppl don’t mess around with. To be someone you can never bully. and hence, the many things i did in the past 8 months.

Sometimes i regret the decision i make. but regret will never change a thing.

someone told me lately that i get panic easily. I remember once i lost my parking token and i panicked. my heartbeat tripled and i feel cold sweat everywhere. it’s just a parking token… but a simple thing like that got me really choked up.

i was never like this. but thanks to the past events that have changed my life completely.. i have become a different person.

Call me a pessimist. call me whatever.

today’s 10 minutes in the car wash got me thinking about the past 8 months and how i’ve come this far.

if i am my own friend, i’d give myself a warm hug for as long as i can.. pat my back and tell myself to keep believing, for there’s sunshine after the rain. a new beginning after the storm. and comfort, in the end.

-J